Navigating your Child’s Grief
All children, no matter how young, grieve. Although grieving in children often looks very different from how adults grieve. It is important to find a healthy balance in expressing your grief in front of your child – to be able to show them its hard for you as well. Through your child witnessing your grief, it inadvertently validates and normalises their own emotions and expression of grief.
Depending on their age, you may notice the following signs of grieving:
- Crying and being clingier, acting younger than their age
- Being irritable and showing more anger
- Trouble sleeping – including having nightmares, or trouble falling asleep
- Increasing anxiety – about who will take care of them now
- Questions about routines and daily needs
- Worry that others in their life may die
- Changes in eating habits
- Physical aches and pains – tummy aches, headaches
- Themes of death and dying in play. May draw or act out death and morbid themes
- Withdrawal – wanting to be alone
- Difficulty concentrating on schoolwork, being more forgetful
- Acting as if nothing has changed
It is normal for children to “dip” in and out of grief. This can be surprising to adults, but it is nothing to worry about if one moment your child is crying and the next happily playing as if nothing has happened.
Young people go through the same grief, sadness and despair as adults do, even though it might look different. As well as sadness, young people may feel anger, guilt, loneliness, anxiety and even relief.
There is no guidebook for how to support a young person who has lost someone important to them, but these tips may help:
Grief stages
- For teenagers the grieving process can last longer and can go through different stages as they mature. Each new milestone and era through adolescence and adulthood will bring new moments of grief and pain (for example: graduation, weddings, becoming a new parent).
Validation and ‘shoulds’
- Children and adolescents may worry about “how” they grieve. They may wonder if they “should” be crying, or if it’s okay to have some fun with friends and play. Let your child know that everyone grieves in different ways and that grief is normal and okay. Tell them it is okay to cry, or not cry, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to “be okay”, it is okay to miss the person who has died.
- They never have to be okay with the fact that their parent or sibling died; time may not remove that wound. The goal is not for grief to disappear, but rather for your child (and yourself) to learn how to make space for the pain, and to create a new normal that honours the loss, as well as focusing on moving forward.
Communication
- Keep the communication flowing. Over time, your child/children may have new questions about what happened to their parent or sibling. Let them know it’s always okay to ask and answer them honestly.
Routine
- Try to maintain your family routines as much as possible. Children are greatly comforted by routine, and it will help them greatly to know that while their family member has died, there are aspects of their life that are remaining constant.
Comfort, boundaries and discipline
- Listen to and comfort your child. Offer comfort through hugs and cuddles. You can also help your child to name their feelings – like sadness, anger, guilt.
- Try to not change your normal boundaries and discipline. A child can still be expected to do their chores and behave appropriately.
- If a child begins acting out inappropriately, address the behaviour, not the feeling. For example, if a child is more irritable and hits you in a tantrum, acknowledge the emotion they are displaying and let them know it is okay that they are feeling that way, but it is never okay to hit anyone. Then have consequences for inappropriate behaviour as normal.
Cancer Hub can help connect you with resources and support as your family grieve. Book a call with us here.
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