How to cope with a loved one dying of cancer
Losing a loved one to cancer is a personal and unique experience. It’s a loss that can be hard to put into words and touches every part of life. Everyone grieves in different ways.
Managing everyday life during and even after treatment may feel challenging at times.
Grief can be an overpowering and overwhelming emotion. Families may go through stages of shock and anger, sadness and helplessness as well as feelings of worry and anxiousness. Remember, you are not alone and there is no right or wrong way to cope. We help emotional support for families.
When Your Child Dies is a booklet created by Redkite social workers in collaboration with bereaved parents, sharing real experiences of life after the death of a child.
Understanding What You’re Going Through
Anticipatory grief: Grieving before death happens
When you’re living with the knowledge that your child is dying, it’s common to feel grief before the death has happened. This is sometimes called anticipatory grief. It can include mourning your child’s future, their milestones, their presence in your life — even while they are still here.
Emotional rollercoaster: sadness, anger, guilt, numbness
Grief can be unpredictable, overwhelming, and exhausting and can change from moment to moment. It can bring many emotions to the surface, sometimes all at once. Nothing can prepare you for the heartbreak of losing a child.
Physical and mental strain of caregiving
Setting boundaries can help, whether that means stepping away from certain conversations, letting people know what is or isn’t helpful, or giving yourself permission to prioritise what feels right for you.
Supporting Your Loved One
Ways to show love and presence, listening, small comforts
Connect and support siblings by:
- Putting them at ease by spending some quality time with them and doing the things they enjoy
- Listen to and validate their feelings
For more ideas, please download When Your Child Dies.
Taking Care of Yourself
Importance of rest, nutrition, and breaks
Grief in the first days after your child’s passing can feel unpredictable and deeply personal. Some days, you might find solace in a quiet walk, a moment of reflection, or writing in a journal. On other days, you may simply need to allow yourself to rest and cry. Prioritise gentle self-care, whether that means taking a few minutes for a warm cup of tea, finding a quiet space to breathe, or engaging in an activity that offers you comfort. These things won’t take away your grief as grief is a natural and automatic response to loss, but they may help you cope a little better, moment by moment.
Seeking support from friends or professionals
Although your experience is unique, many parents have been through similar experiences. It is important to be reassured that you are not alone, and others may be able to offer you comfort and support as you come to terms with the death of your child.
There may be times when you feel that you need professional help, the support of someone who has specialist skills and experience. You can talk to anyone from the specialist team who cared for you and your child, Redkite, or a trusted professional such as your GP.
Coping with Difficult Emotions
Allowing yourself to feel without judgment
You may feel a pull toward isolation, or you might seek comfort in the company of others. Both are natural responses to grief. Remember, it’s important to be kind to yourself and understand that your needs may shift from one moment to the next.
Journaling, mindfulness, spiritual or cultural practices
What brings comfort to one person may not work for another. Taking small steps such as getting some fresh air, writing or sitting in stillness, can help.
Preparing for What’s Ahead
Practical considerations
Services can be arranged in various settings, and the type of service families choose often reflects their family traditions, religion, faith, culture, and, most importantly, what feels most meaningful and comforting for them.
Emotional preparation for saying goodbye
Some families begin considering funeral plans before their child passes, while others wait until after.
Here are some ideas of what other parents have done. For more ideas, please download When Your Child Dies.
- Favourite Music or Songs: Select pieces your child loved or songs that hold special memories.
- Decorations and Personal Items: Include artwork, cherished toys, or personal objects. You might choose to decorate the coffin or casket yourselves.
Involving children and siblings in age-appropriate ways
You may also want to think about keepsakes, small things that help hold your child’s presence. These can be physical items or shared moments, created now or later.
Some children and teenagers may want to be involved in these choices, such as deciding what photos they’d like to be remembered by, creating something to leave for siblings or friends, or choosing music, words, or keepsakes that reflect who they are. If your child is interested, your care team can support you to explore these conversations in an age-appropriate way. There is no expectation to do any of this. These are simply possibilities, offered if and when they feel right for your child, for you, or for your family as a whole.
Finding Comfort and Support
Counsellors, social workers, spiritual leaders
Some people say the first few months are a blur. As well as emotional exhaustion, it’s common to experience insomnia, extreme tiredness, constant crying or being completely numb and unable to cry.
Peer support groups (online and in person)
It’s okay to lean on those who offer help, whether that’s a trusted friend, a relative, a spiritual leader, an elder or a member of your child’s care team, such as a social worker or nurse.
Connecting with organisations through Cancer Hub
Bereavement Counselling: You can be yourself and talk about whatever you want or need with us.
Resources and Services
Grief is deeply personal, and what helps may differ for each person, culture, or community. Below is a list of services available to support you and your family. If you’re unsure where to start or want help finding what feels right for you, a Redkite social worker can support you and link you in.
Redkite
Redkite offers social work, emotional support, and counselling sessions in person, by phone, video chat, or email. These services are available to you and anyone close to your child, including extended family and friends, at any time.
If it feels helpful, you’re welcome to join one of our bereaved parent groups. Although the circumstances are deeply sad, many parents find comfort in speaking with others who understand.
If you’re experiencing financial stress in the year after your child’s death, Redkite may be able to offer financial assistance.
Redkite’s Book Club includes a range of books on grief and bereavement, which can be borrowed for free for as long as you like.
Visit redkite.org.au or call us on 1800 733 548 to learn more.
Cancer-Specific Services
- Cancer Hub– Connects families impacted by cancer (aged 0–25) to emotional and practical support.
- Canteen– Support services for young people (12–25) affected by cancer.
- Camp Quality– Programs and retreats for families, including bereaved families.
- Cancer Council Australia– Offers grief-related information and resources.
Palliative care resources
Palliative care is not only about medical support. It’s about supporting your child and your family through an incredibly difficult time: physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. A team of professionals may be involved, including doctors, nurses, social workers, therapists, and others, working with your family to support what matters most to you.
To access support, get in touch on 1800 431 312
Related Resources
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Cancer Hub helps families facing cancer access vital support through Canteen, Camp Quality, and Redkite, offering practical and emotional services.
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