Preparing Children for Funerals and Mourning Rituals

Prepare your child in advance of any mourning rituals (e.g., wakes, funerals, memorial services, burials). You can prepare your child by explaining in simple language, what to expect at the event, and the appropriate ways they can react. For example:

“Today, we are going to your sister’s burial service. This means that her body will be in a special box, called a coffin, and that box will be buried in the ground. This is where their body will stay forever. This special place is called a cemetery.

This is a good place for their body to stay because it is in a park and there are trees and nature all around, which your sister loved. Burying their body is an important event, so we have invited other people to come and watch. Grandma and Uncle will be there. When we get to the cemetery, we will gather in a circle and the priest will speak and say a prayer.

Then the coffin will be lowered into the ground, and we will put some earth on the coffin to start burying it. This is a sad event, so it is okay if you cry. I and others may cry too. It is also okay if you do not cry.

You do not need to say or do anything at the burial. All you need to do is come, and watch, and I will hold your hand, if you want. I wonder what questions you have about that, or what you think?”

Responding to condolences

• Educate your child with how to respond to others offering condolences. Let them know about the language they may hear, such as “I’m sorry for your loss” or “My condolences”.
• Many children and teenagers are confused by the wording of “I’m sorry”. Explain to your child that people are not saying this because they think it was their fault the deceased died; but that this is a different use of the word “sorry”. It just means the person cares about them and the person who died, and they are sad the person has died. Let them know that they can respond to this phrase by saying “thank you”, or “thank you for coming” in the case of the funeral – or to say nothing at all is okay too.

Seeing the deceased’s body, or participating in rituals such as a funeral, can help your child understand concretely that the person has died.

Also let the child know that it is ok to speak to their loved ones and say goodbye; to write a letter, or bring a meaningful object or photo. With older children and adolescents, they may want the option, if possible, to have some moments alone too – ask them what they feel is okay for them.

Having another trusted adult that can be alongside your child in this process can be helpful for you, as you also grieve. Asking if a family friend, aunt or uncle or similar can be specifically available support your child through these moments can be valuable.

Cancer Hub has multiple support options for families who are grieving, including counselling, navigation and peer support. Reach out to us here.